Need You Tonight
by Samunderthelights
Summary: Remus and his friends are in their final year at Hogwarts, and he is growing anxious about leaving behind everything he has ever known. About having to face the world alone. But after opening up to Sirius about his fears, his best friend promises him that he'll always be there for him. And when the two friends start sharing a bed, their friendship soon turns into something more.
1. Chapter 1

1\. Giving a hand

Today started out as any other day at Hogwarts. James had snuck back into his own room after having spent the night with Lily, Peter had snored so loud that Sirius had put a silencing charm around his bed somewhere in the middle of the night, Remus had been out of bed before the sun was up, to study, and Sirius, well, he had slept right through the morning. But something about this morning had felt different, and Remus had felt it from the moment he had woken up. A feeling, a darkness, has been on his mind for the last months, but today, it makes him feel cold. It makes him feel anxious, unnerved. It makes him unable to focus on the book in front of him.

For seven years, the four friends have been students at Hogwarts. They had all met each other in the first year, and they had become the best of friends. After the first year, they had even been able to become roommates. Just the four of them in a room, the teachers had all had their doubts, but somehow it hadn't affected their schoolwork. It hadn't been a bad thing at all, it had only brought them closer. Remus had even told them about his 'condition', his lycanthropy. Before, professor Dumbledore would help him, cover for him. But Remus had trusted the three young men, and he had been right to. Because they had stuck by him, and they had supported him, and covered for him when he needed it. Every full moon, Sirius had even gone with him, to take him to the Shack, and make sure he would be safe in there until he could come back to them. He wouldn't leave, until he had double, or triple-checked that Remus wouldn't be able to get out and hurt someone. It had brought them closer together, and those moments, where Remus had been at his most vulnerable, and Sirius had been there for him, it had made them the best of friends.

But over the last few months, a darkness has been looming over Remus. Because there are only a few months left here at Hogwarts. They were just children when they had met, but they are now technically adults, ready to graduate and go out into 'the real world'. The real world, where they won't be together anymore, where the safety of Hogwarts, of these friendships, it will be gone. He will be out there, on his own, a danger to the world. Hated, feared, if someone were to find out his secret. It makes him feel sick to his stomach, the anxiety making him unable to fall asleep. He lies awake, tears falling from his eyes. Because he just cannot see how there is a future for him out there.

This morning had started out like any other morning, but when Sirius had noticed Remus sitting on his bed, the curtains open, staring at the book, clearly not reading it, just staring, he had joined him on the bed. He had put his head on his friend's shoulder, and cuddled up to him.

"What's wrong?" he had whispered, but Remus had just shrugged. "You'll do just fine. You're the clever one, remember?"

"It's not that."

"Then what is it?"

"I'm just…," Remus had tried, but James had come back into the room, a big grin on his face. He had started talking about Lily again, and that was that. Sirius had shot Remus a questioning look, but the moment had gone.

"Remus?" Sirius asks, when they are alone in the bedroom again, later that day. "Talk to me."

"I can't."

"You can. It's me," Sirius says, a small smile on his face, but it's a worried smile. James is always up for a laugh, and he is never really upset about anything. Peter, no one quite knows what goes on inside his head, but he never seems to be too upset. If he is, it only lasts a minute. But Remus, he is different. He has a condition which is weighing him down, but on top of that, there is something else. Something that Sirius has noticed getting worse over the last few weeks. It's a sadness. Remus has gotten quieter, and it worries him.

"I'm fine," Remus says, but Sirius just sits down on the end of his bed, and puts his hand on Remus' leg.

"You're sad," he says, and Remus nods, looking down at his hands in his lap. "Your condition?" Sirius asks, but Remus shakes his head.

"I have no future out there, Sirius," he then says, but he doesn't look up at his best friend. He's too scared, too nervous to see his face right now. What if Sirius just laughs at him?

"No future? What do you mean? You are so clever, you…"

"It's not that."

"Then what is it?"

"I'm scared… about hurting people. Here, I'm safe. But out there, what if…," Remus tries, but he can feel the lump in his throat getting bigger with each word.

"You are not going to hurt anyone," Sirius says, a determined tone in his voice. "We will get this under control. We will find you a place to live, where…"

"Where I will have to be locked up, like a monster?" Remus spits out, now finally looking up. "It's what I am, isn't it?"

"No, don't you dare say that!" Sirius says, and he can feel tears burning in his eyes. Remus means the world to him, and to think that he sees himself as a monster, it breaks his heart. "You are not a monster, Remus. I promise you that we will find a way to get it under control, or we'll find a cure, but…," he tries, but he can't find the right words. "You are not going to hurt anyone. You are the kindest…"

"I'm not myself when I'm… a monster," Remus says, the last two words barely a whisper. "I am scared, I don't even sleep anymore, because I am scared that one day it's going to take over. I'm going to become that… thing, and I won't change back. And I will kill everyone…," he blurts out, the words being true, but he had never meant to say them out loud.

"Why didn't you tell me about this?"

"What's the point? In a few months you'll be gone, and…"

"I'm not going anywhere," Sirius interrupts him. "You're my best friend, and I'm sticking around. I love you. You know that, right?" he says, and Remus gives a little nod.

"I love you too."

"You better," Sirius says, and Remus can't help but flash a small smile. "You're going to be okay, Remus."

* * *

It's been a few days, and although Remus had felt better after telling Sirius about his fears, it hadn't actually taken away the fear. He's now in bed, unable to sleep. Scared about the future, scared about hurting people. Scared to go to sleep and never wake up as himself again. He opens his curtain, to get out of bed and have a glass of water, but once the curtain is open, he looks straight into Sirius' face.

"Scoot over," he says, and Remus does as he is told. Sirius climbs into the bed with him, and closes the curtain behind him. "Go to sleep, Remus. I will make sure you're safe. I promise," he whispers, and he puts his hand on the side of Remus' face. He flashes the smallest smile, before pressing a kiss onto his forehead. Remus closes his eyes, the warmth of Sirius' body against his, making him feel safe, and very sleepy all of the sudden.

* * *

When Remus wakes up, Sirius is cuddled up to him, and he can't help but smile. Last night, he had been terrified. But once Sirius had joined him, he had felt safe. He had fallen asleep within seconds, and he hadn't woken up once throughout the night. He hears a lot of noise, and realises that the other guys are already up. It must be late then.

"Where the fuck is Sirius?" James laughs.

"You know what he's like," Peter laughs, and Remus can't help but smile, because their friend is still asleep, cuddled up to him.

"True, so he could be in, what, just about every single person's bed right now?" Remus hears James laugh. "Bastard."

"You're just jealous" Sirius mumbles, and Remus realises that he has just woken up. He can't help but laugh, and his friends in the bedroom go quiet.

"Did you hear that?" James asks, after a few seconds.

"I said, you're just jealous," Sirius repeats, and the curtain is being opened within a second. Both James and Peter are standing there, both with a shocked look on their face. Sirius actually cuddles up to Remus more, and closes his eyes again.

"Wait, so are you two…?" Peter asks, and Remus can't help but laugh.

"We're not," he laughs.

"I'm not his type," Sirius answers, his eyes still closed. "I've still got my bits."

"Right… so why is he in your bed? Half-naked…"

"Because this is how I sleep. Fuck off," Sirius says, and he opens his eyes again. "What? You've never seen two guys share a bed?"

"So you didn't…?" Peter asks.

"Fuck off, Peter," Sirius says, and he gets out of bed. "Seriously. What is wrong with you two?"

"Nothing, it's just that… well, I thought maybe you two were getting it on. That's all," James says, and Remus can feel his cheeks going red. "But you're not, so…"

"Fuck off," Sirius repeats, as he gets into his own bed. He closes the curtain, and Remus can't help but smile. He gets out of bed, grabs his things, and goes to the showers. But when he gets there, they are all occupied, so he will have to wait, as per usual.

"I thought you had gone back to sleep," he says, when Sirius joins him a few minutes later. Sirius shrugs, and opens his mouth to say something, but one of the shower cubicles opens, and a young man comes out. He quickly walks past them, without saying hello, so Sirius rolls his eyes, as he gets into the cubicle.

"Wait, I was…"

"First, yeah. I was second," Sirius shrugs. "Come on," he says, as he holds open the door. Remus shakes his head, as he gets into the cubicle. The cubicles are always full, so they used to share the showers all the time, but not for the last few years. It actually makes Remus feel a bit uncomfortable. But it's just Sirius, so he takes a deep breath, and quickly gets out of his clothes. He tries to get through the shower without thinking about the fact that there is someone in there with him, but then he catches himself looking at his friend. He can feel his face flush, and he quickly looks away. But then Sirius leans over to him, his mouth actually touching his ear.

"Did you just check me out?" he whispers, the sound of the water almost drowning out his voice. But when Remus pulls away and looks at his face, he realises that he has heard him correctly. He sees a cheeky smirk on Sirius' face, and nods.

"Sorry," he mouths. He leans over, bringing his mouth up to Sirius' ear. "It was an accident."

"That too?" Sirius asks, lowering his eyes. Remus quickly covers himself up, but it's obvious that Sirius had already seen. He wants to run away and hide, never come back. Because how do you recover from being caught checking out your best friend, and then getting hard? It really was just an accident. He doesn't even look at Sirius in that way. Never has. He closes his eyes, unable to face what is happening, but then he can feel Sirius' warm breath against his face again.

"Has anyone ever, you know," Sirius asks, and Remus opens his eyes. Sirius is motioning with his hand, making Remus feel more flushed than ever before. "Given you a hand, so to speak," Sirius laughs. Remus has only ever kissed a few girls, years ago. After it, he would get dumped for being a bad boyfriend, so things had never progressed from there on out. So no, he had never 'been given a hand, so to speak'.

"No," Remus answers truthfully, still covering himself up. Sirius has a mischievous look on his face, as he leans back to his friend's ear.

"May I?" he asks, before leaning back, to see Remus' face. But Remus doesn't know what is happening. Is this a joke? Is Sirius trying to embarrass him? Would he do that to him? What is this? But before he can actually think about it, something inside of him, had made him give a little nod. He closes his eyes, and after a few seconds, he can feel Sirius pushing away his hands, and he realises he is now fully exposed. A hand wraps around him, and his eyes shoot open. Sirius is looking at him, that mischievous look still on his face. Remus feels like his legs are about to give out, and a thousand thoughts are running through his mind, but when he looks into Sirius' eyes, a sense of calm comes over him. This is his best friend, this is safe.

"Are you okay?" Sirius whispers into Remus' ear, after Remus has leaned his forehead against his shoulder. But Remus doesn't answer, he needs a minute to stop seeing stars, to catch his breath, to get his heartbeat to go back to a normal speed. Sirius wraps his arms around him, pulling him into a hug, and Remus clings onto him, a lump in his throat.

"Do you think anyone heard?" Remus asks, when they are back on their way to the bedroom.

"Of course not. The water drowns out everything. Trust me. I've done everything in there," Sirius says, and Remus nods, his face still flushed from what had happened in the shower. But somehow he doesn't feel bad, or wrong. It had felt safe, it still feels safe. "Are you okay?" Sirius asks, and he puts his hand on Remus' lower back.

"I am."

* * *

It's been just over a week since Sirius had first spent the night in Remus' bed. But since then, he spends every night there, to make sure that Remus feels safe enough to sleep. Before, he would sometimes stay away at night, spend the night with someone. But not anymore, Remus is more important.

Remus has just gotten out of class, and he has the rest of the day off. All he wants to do is go outside and enjoy the sun, but it's only two days until the full moon, so he is feeling anxious, and he knows he will probably spend the rest of the day in bed, reading a book. But before he goes to the bedroom, he goes into the toilets, which are usually empty at this time of day. Not today though. As soon as he enters, he can hear moaning, and at first he thinks someone might be hurt. But then he catches the reflections in the mirror, of the two young men in the cubicle, the door open. A guy Remus doesn't really know, is standing against the side of the cubicle, his hands and face pressed up against it, while Sirius is standing behind him, pushing into him. The guy is moaning, he seems to be really into it, but Sirius seems bored. He seems distracted. He actually catches Remus' in the mirror, and he winks at him. Remus wants to turn and leave, but that's when Sirius closes his eyes, and leans his head back. His mouth opens slightly, but not a sound comes out. He pulls out, and Remus turns around, because he should not be seeing this. He has walked in on things like this before, everyone has at Hogwarts. But still, this is Sirius.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he hears Sirius say, so he turns around, afraid that he might be hurt. The guy is now turned around, his pants pulled up, and Sirius has come out of the stall, his pants pulled up, but they are still open.

"I was just trying to…"

"What is wrong with you?" Sirius asks, as he throws away the condom. "I'm not your boyfriend. Fuck off," he spits out, before joining Remus. He zips up his pants, before leading Remus out of the bathroom.

"What happened?"

"He tried to kiss me, is what happened. Seriously, what is wrong with people here? You're just trying to get off, and they want the whole deal? Fuck off."

"It's just a kiss…"

"I don't kiss people," Sirius says, and Remus shoots him a questioning look. Sirius sleeps around, everyone knows it. So to hear that he doesn't kiss people, it's odd, to say the least.

"Why not?"

"It's intimate."

"And sticking your dick up his arse isn't?" Remus laughs, but Sirius just shrugs. "I sometimes wonder how your brain works."

"Me too, Remus," Sirius laughs. "Me too."


	2. Chapter 2

**2\. "I'm not going anywhere."**

* * *

"I'm scared," Remus whispers, as Sirius is about to leave the Shack. "I don't want to hurt anyone."

"You're not going to. I promise."

"I don't want this," Remus says, and Sirius comes back up to him, and puts a hand on the side of his face. "I just want to be normal."

"I know."

"If I do get out…"

"You won't."

"But if I do…"

"You won't," Sirius repeats, and he presses his lips against Remus' forehead. "I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

When Remus wakes up, he feels sore, like he has worked out for days on end. His skin feels tight, it burns. His stomach feels empty, his brain feels fuzzy. But there is a warmth pressed up against him, and when he opens his eyes, Sirius is cuddled up to him.

"I told you you'd be okay, didn't I?"

"When did you get here?"

"A little while ago. I made sure it was safe before I got in. And look, I'm still in one piece." Sirius flashes a smile, and Remus can't help but return it. "I told you, I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

Remus is in the shower, even now, a few days later, feeling sore, but getting back to being his normal self. But there is a knock on the cubicle door, and he jumps up. He turns the water off, opens the door, hiding himself behind it, only to see Sirius standing there. There is no one else in the showers at the moment. One of the Gryffindor girls had organised a party, and she had invited everyone, but Remus hadn't felt up to it. Apparently Sirius hadn't either.

"Where did you run off to, this afternoon?" Remus laughs.

"Do you know the girl from Ravenclaw, dark eyes, dark hair, Katherine?"

"Yes?"

"She asked me out."

"On a date?" Remus asks, feeling slightly uncomfortable, having a conversation, while naked, while Sirius is getting undressed.

"Apparently. I had misunderstood."

"You thought she just wanted a shag?" Remus laughs, and Sirius turns around and shrugs. "Why not go on a date with her? She's beautiful."

"She is. I'm also not into her. Not for more than one afternoon."

"You're the worst," Remus laughs. He turns around and turns the water back on. But when he turns back around, he notices a change on Sirius' face. Sirius is looking at him, looking at his body, and makes him feel self-conscious, but not judged.

"Remus?" Sirius asks, the water drowning out the sound of his voice. But Remus can read his lips, so he nods. "May I?"

"I…," Remus begins, but the water is also drowning out his voice. So he turns around to turn off the tap. "Is this going to change things?" he asks, while still facing the wall. He feels Sirius' hand on his shoulder, so he turns around, to face him, feeling nervous. Because not once, had he expected to be having this conversation, with anyone, let alone Sirius.

"Did it change things last time?"

"No."

"It's just… I quite enjoyed it, and I thought maybe…"

"So did I," Remus interrupts him, to make him feel less self-conscious. It had taken him a few days to confess it to himself, but what had happened between him and Sirius in the shower, it hadn't just made him feel safe, it had also made him feel closer to him. But not just that, he had caught himself hoping that it would happen again.

"Then… it is what it is, right?" Sirius says, a shy smile on his face. "If things change, or we want this to stop, we'll tell each other. We make that promise, right here, right now."

"I promise," Remus says, and Sirius sticks out his hand. Remus shakes it, letting out a nervous chuckle. He knows that he should be feeling uncomfortable, awkward, but somehow he doesn't. This is his best friend, and they are consciously choosing to do this. To enjoy themselves while they can. It only makes him feel like it is strengthening the bond between them.

* * *

When Remus announces that he is going to take a shower the next day, Sirius immediately jumps up to join him. The other guys don't even notice it, but Remus can't help but smile. They go to the showers, and quickly get into the only empty cubicle. Within seconds, they are undressed, and the water is turned on. Remus turns to face Sirius, only to see him biting his lip, a mischievous smile on his face. Sirius takes a step towards him, and when Remus feels his hand on him, he has to bite his tongue to not make a sound. The first time, he had lasted only a few seconds, but he wants this to last longer. It is too good. And only being able to enjoy this now, it makes him regret not going out and finding himself a girlfriend years ago.

"Stop," he whispers into Sirius' ear, when he feels himself getting close. Sirius takes a step back, a worried look on his face.

"What's wrong?" Sirius asks, Remus reading his lips. He just flashes a small smile, and the worried look disappears from Sirius' face. He looks down at Sirius' body, and notices that he is hard, and it makes him feel somewhat excited. Nervous, but excited. It makes him want to do something which he has never wanted to do before. And when he looks up, he sees Sirius raising an eyebrow. Remus leans over, his mouth so close to Sirius' ear, that it actually gives Sirius chills all over.

"I've never… but…," Remus tries, and Sirius leans over to whisper into his ear.

"I thought you'd never ask," he laughs, and he leans back. He takes Remus' hand in his, and brings it towards his dick. Remus feels odd, touching it, but then he decides to go for it. This is Sirius, he won't judge him, or laugh at him. If he messes up, he will tell him, he will teach him. So he looks down, to see what he is doing, focussing on trying his best. But when he finally does look up, he sees that Sirius has his eyes closed, his head leaned back, and he is biting down hard on his lip. Seeing it, it makes Remus feel a sense of pride, because he is doing this. It also makes him want Sirius to touch him again. With a new sense of confidence, he grabs Sirius' hand, and puts it on his dick, where it goes back to work right away, Sirius not even opening his eyes. It's only seconds before Remus feels his legs going wobbly, and he leans his forehead against Sirius' shoulder, where it stays for a little while, until he feels calmed down again. He looks at Sirius' face then, and wants to make him feel how he had felt only seconds ago. So he brings his hand back down, and a little while later, he watches Sirius' mouth open just slightly, not a sound coming out though. He quickly looks down, realising what has just happened. What he has just done. What they have just done. And as he watches down, he starts laughing. He looks back up at Sirius, who can't help but join in.

* * *

"Why aren't you going?" James asks, as he picks up the invite from Remus' bed. There's yet another party, but Remus had already decided to not go. He is staying in tonight, trying to recover from last night, when they had all drank too much.

"I'm tired."

"And he doesn't have a date," Peter says, and Remus glares at him. "What? You don't."

"So?"

"Go to the party and hook up with a random girl. That's what I do," Peter shrugs. "It'll make you less… bitchy."

"I am not… I am just tired."

"You have been a little bit bitchy lately," James agrees.

"I am not bitchy," Remus snaps. He had gotten into a fight with a Ravenclaw guy, who had called him a monster, after Remus had punched him in the face. It had ended with Sirius sticking up for Remus, and both of them getting detention. The guy doesn't know about Remus' condition, and the fight had been about something else entirely. He had snapped, punched him, and only then been called a monster. But it had stuck with him. It had made him feel more depressed and anxious again.'

"Are you going to the party tonight?" Peter asks, when Sirius walks into the room.

"No, I'm staying here."

"Good luck, you'll probably get your head bit off." Peter rolls his eyes, and within a second, Remus is in front of him, holding him up against the wall by his shirt.

"What the fuck does that mean, eh? What are you saying?"

"He wasn't…," James tries, but Remus slams Peter against the wall again.

"What are you calling me?"

"A little bitch," Peter spits out. "You're being a little bitch."

"Remus," Sirius says, as he puts a hand on Remus' back. He realises that Peter had meant 'biting his head off' as in snapping at him, not as in turning into a monster and killing him. He lets go of him, and storms out of the room. Sirius follows him, in silence, until they are out by the lake, where they sit down.

"I thought…," Remus tries, and Sirius grabs his hand.

"I know, but he didn't mean it like that."

"I am so sorry, I'm just…"

"I know." Sirius flashes a small smile, and looks out at the lake. Remus looks down at their hands, and he feels a lump in his throat. Because what is he going to do after they leave Hogwarts? What is he going to do without Sirius by his side?

* * *

"All done," Sirius says, as he climbs into bed that evening. He had started to put a silencing spell around their bed, so they could have conversations, without their friends listening in on them at night. Remus had opened up more about his fears, and it had actually helped him. Until that fight, that is.

"Sirius?"

"Mhm," Sirius mumbles, as he makes himself comfortable, on his side, so he can face Remus.

"Why do you… do what you do?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why do you sleep around?" Remus asks, and Sirius can't help but smile.

"Because I enjoy it."

"But don't you… I don't know, feel vulnerable, or exposed, when you're with these people you hardly know?" Remus asks, and for a while Sirius doesn't answer. He just looks at Remus, a serious look on his face.

"In a way, yes. But they are also vulnerable, so… It goes both ways. But it's just sex, there's no feelings, so I'm not leaving myself that vulnerable…"

"I think doing that with someone, that is leaving yourself vulnerable."

"Yes?"

"Mhm."

"Yet, you are doing things with me," Sirius says, and Remus nods. Sirius can't help but smile, because it means that Remus is allowing himself to be vulnerable, exposed, in his own words, with him, and that means a lot. "May I ask… you have never been with others, have you? In any way?"

"No," Remus admits, now feeling shy. Because here is Sirius, who sleeps around, and is comfortable doing so, and yet, he has only ever kissed a few girls.

"Why not?"

"It just never happened."

"But you want it to?" Sirius asks, and Remus nods. "Do you like women?"

"Yes."

"And men?" Sirius asks, but this is where Remus feels himself shutting down. Sirius brings his hand up to Remus' arm, and gives it a little squeeze. "Are you okay?"

"I… I don't know. If I like them, I mean."

"That's okay." Sirius flashes a small smile, leaving his hand on Remus' arm. "You'll figure it out. And you can try things out, see what you like, see who you like. Just take your time."

"I like this," Remus blurts out, his face getting flushed right away. He hadn't meant to say that.

"Me too," Sirius says, and he flashes a smile, not judging Remus at all. He takes his hand away from Remus' arm, and brings it down, underneath the covers. Remus closes his eyes, the touch of Sirius' skin on his, actually giving him chills all over. This has only happened in the shower before, and it happening here, in the bed, it makes him feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. But then Sirius takes his hand away, and Remus opens his eyes.

"I'm going to do something, but if you want me to stop, you tell me," Sirius says, but Remus doesn't know what to say, so he just stares at him, nervous about what is about to happen. "You will tell me, won't you?"

"Yes," Remus says, and Sirius flashes a mischievous smile, before disappearing underneath the covers. Remus can feel him sliding down his pyjama bottoms, together with his pants, and it is making him feel a little bit exposed, because in the shower, no one will come in, but here, his friends can slide open the curtain, and see what is happening. But then he feels Sirius' mouth on his dick, and a sound escapes from his mouth, a mix of shock, together with pleasure. He can feel his heart beat out of his chest, and he grabs onto the sheet, trying to keep quiet, but he is failing miserably. This is better than what had happened in the shower. This is so, so, so much better. It only lasts for a few seconds, and when Sirius reappears, he licks his lips and swallows hard, making Remus fully realise what has just happened.

"I ehm… I want to do that," Remus manages to bring out, his heart still racing, and Sirius can't help but laugh.

"Am I being a bad influence on you?" he laughs, and he licks his lips again. "I can't show you too much, or you will steal away all the good ones from me," he adds, as he brushes Remus' hair out of his face. "But you do realise what you'll have to do, right?"

"I know, but I want to."

"Then, by all means," Sirius laughs. Remus disappears underneath the covers, where Sirius is already getting out of his pants. Remus feels nervous, because he knows he will mess this up. 'Giving a hand', had been easy, compared to this. But still, he takes a deep breath, before opening his mouth. He tries to remember what Sirius had just done to him, and he tries to copy it. He feels like he is doing it wrong, and when Sirius stops him, he is sure that he has messed it up.

"I'm sorry…"

"No, I just… I'm getting real close now, so…," Sirius says, wanting to warn Remus, but Remus has already disappeared again. Sirius can feel the determination in his movements, and he has to try really hard to keep quiet. Because although he does sleep around, this usually isn't a part of it. Casual sex, the quick 'giving a hand', but not this. It makes his body burn up, and when Remus reappears next to him, a confident look on his face, he can't help but wrap his arms around him and pull him close.

* * *

"Come on," Sirius whispers, as he holds Remus up, supporting him as he brings him back into their room. This full moon was worse than ever before, and Remus is covered in self-inflicted wounds.

"What happened?" James asks, looking worried, as he comes over to help Sirius putting Remus into the bed.

"Did he get out?" Peter asks, and Sirius glares at him, before looking back at Remus.

"He did not get out. But he has wounded himself."

"I…"

"Shh, you're okay," Sirius whispers, and James looks up at him. His mouth falls open, and he shakes his head.

"Oh my god."

"Don't. Just don't."


	3. Chapter 3

**The first time**

* * *

"How are you feeling?" Sirius whispers, when Remus wakes up in the middle of the night. He had slept all throughout the day, and is only now waking up.

"Did I hurt someone?"

"You hurt yourself."

"Thankgod," Remus whispers, as he tries to sit up.

"Don't you dare say that," Sirius says, a lump in his throat. When he had gone in this morning, and he had found Remus, covered in wounds, he had been afraid that he had died. It had been the most horrible feeling he had ever felt, and it had nearly broken him down. Until Remus had made a sound, and he had realised that he was still alive. "I can't lose you, do you hear me?"

"I…"

"I love you, Remus," Sirius says, a tear now rolling down his face. "I fucking love you, do you hear me?"

"I love you too."

* * *

It had taken a long time for Remus to recover, but he seems to be okay now. The wounds are still healing, but he is laughing and joking again. And his friends are glad to see him enjoying things again.

"So… I was thinking, how about we go back to my room? My roommates aren't in," Lily suggests, and you can almost hear Sirius roll his eyes. Within a second, James has gotten up, and he is dragging Lily up onto her feet.

"So ehm… yeah, we'll see you," James laughs, and Lily gives a little wave, before they run off, leaving Sirius and Remus by the lake.

"I've got something to tell you," Sirius says, and Remus lets out a small chuckle.

"What? You're leaving me because you're meeting someone?"

"No." Sirius smiles, but then he looks down at his hands. "I ehm… I was wondering, if maybe… I was just thinking… I know you haven't, but…"

"Just spit it out," Remus says, now getting worried.

"Sex," Sirius blurts out, and Remus can't help but laugh. "I'm talking about sex."

"Wow."

"I just thought, that seeing as we enjoy what we're doing, maybe we could… you know… I mean, I know you've never actually… but maybe then it's even better with someone like me, a friend, so…," Sirius rambles, and Remus just starts laughing again.

"Wow, I never thought I'd see the day. Sirius Black, nervous about sex."

"Fuck off."

"Well…"

"Don't," Sirius laughs, and he looks down at his hands. "I'm sorry."

"I'll need some time to think about it," Remus says, his heart beating out of his chest. Sure, he is trying to laugh it off, but this? This is a big deal. This would be his first time. With Sirius. It would be safe, but will it be the first time that he will want to remember for the rest of his life? A first time that is outside of a relationship? A first time that is just something casual? Would he live to regret that for the rest of his life?

* * *

"I bought something," Remus says, when he and Sirius are in bed a few nights later. He pulls out the box from underneath his pillow, and hands it over to his best friend.

"Does this mean…?"

"Yes. And I'm going to be completely honest here, I am really nervous. About to run away and hide nervous. This… it scares me. I've never… and I'm nervous," Remus admits, and Sirius can't help but smile.

"Me too," he whispers. "I don't think I've ever done it with someone I love, so…," he confesses, and Remus' heart actually skips a beat. "We'll take things slow, and at any point, you want to stop, or you are uncomfortable, please tell me. This is supposed to be a good thing, and I don't want you to regret anything about it."

"I will. But I trust you," Remus says, and Sirius leans over, and places a kiss on the side of his mouth, their lips barely touching. Remus ignores it, knowing it was meant to be a kiss on the cheek. He takes a deep breath, as Sirius hands him back the box of condoms. He reaches over, and grabs the bottle of lubricant which he had bought, making this situation even more real.

"I am fine with both top or bottom, but…"

"You top," Remus says, a sense of confidence in his voice, because he has actually thought this through over the last few days. And hearing the confidence in his voice, despite his nerves, makes Sirius smile. "Is that okay?"

"Of course," Sirius whispers, as he puts his hand on the side of Remus' face. "I love you."

"I love you too," Remus whispers, and he takes a deep breath, before handing Sirius the condoms and lubricant. He isn't sure what he should do, but he does know that he needs to get out of his clothes. So he does, while Sirius does the same. They both sit back down, on their knees, facing each other, and Remus reaches out, touching him. Sirius does the same, and for just a little while, the sit there, stroking each other, feeling each other's skin, each other's bodies. Until Sirius pulls away.

"This will hurt, but I will be as gentle as I can, okay?" he whispers, and Remus nods. He lies down on his back, not sure what to do, and he watches Sirius put lubricant onto his fingers.

"Roll over," Sirius laughs, and Remus feels a bit silly. He rolls onto his side, pulling his knees up, because Sirius motions for him to do so. He can feel Sirius's fingers, and at first it's okay, but then he realises what he is doing. This is preparation for what is coming. This is really happening. His heart is beating out of his chest, but he tries to stay calm and steady his breath.

"Are you okay?" Sirius asks, as he leans over him, to see his face.

"I am. Are you?"

"More than okay," Sirius admits, and Remus can't help but smile. Sirius moves away, and Remus can hear the packaging of the condom being opened, so he knows what must be happening right now. The bottle of the lubricant being opened and closed again… Sirius lying down behind him… "Tell me if I need to stop," Sirius whispers, and Remus nods, now unable to say anything. It takes a few seconds, but then he can feel what is happening, he can feel Sirius moving closer, his entire body pressing up against him, his dick pushing into him. At first it's okay, but after a split-second, the pain kicks in. This can't be right, can it? Why do people have sex, when this is it? This is pure pain. No pleasure. People are sick, if they enjoy this. But Sirius stays still, until Remus' breath has calmed down. He then slowly starts moving, the pain slowly ebbing away. And after a little while, Remus can actually enjoy it. Sirius wraps an arm around him, pulling him even closer, and it nearly brings tears to Remus' eyes, because he has never felt so close to anyone before in his life. He closes his eyes, Sirius's still pushing into him, slowly, gently, his hand on his chest, holding him close.

"Is this okay?" Sirius whispers into his ear, and Remus nods, afraid that if he opens his mouth, he will say too much. He feels Sirius' hand moving from his chest to his dick, and it only makes him feel like he is about to explode. And when Sirius kisses his neck, it sends him over the edge. He can still feel Sirius pushing into him, as he is trying hard to catch his breath, so he turns his head, to face him. He sees a look on his face which he has never seen before. It's so pure, so vulnerable, so honest, that it brings tears to his eyes. Sirius collapses into his back, and Remus reaches out, grabbing his hand, and holds it tight.

"I love you," Remus whispers, after they have cleaned up, and they are cuddled up. Sirius looks up at him, and flashes a warm smile, before closing his eyes.

"I love you too."

* * *

"Are you okay?" Sirius whispers, despite the silencing spell being in place around the bed, when Remus wakes up that morning. He has a pained look on his face, and Sirius feels sick with guilt.

"Sore," Remus admits, but then he lets out a small chuckle. "But that's my own fault, isn't it? I wanted you to top, so…

"Fair enough." Sirius smiles, and he reaches out his hand, to brush the hair out of Remus' face. "But you're okay? With what happened?"

"Yes," Remus says, and he flashes a small smile. "I'm glad it happened."

"Me too."

"Fucking hell." They hear Peter say, and they quickly look up, both afraid that he has opened the curtain and seen them. But the curtain is still closed. Their hearts are racing though, and they move away from each other, Remus quickly grabbing his pyjamas from the end of the bed, and putting them back on.

"What?" James asks, clearly annoyed.

"Look at this." They hear Peter say, and they hear him walk over to James' bed. There is a silence, and then laughter from James. "I told you, didn't I?"

"What is going on?" Sirius asks, as he slides open the curtain. He notices the box of condoms in James' hand, and realises that it must've fallen on the floor somewhere between last night and now.

"Well, you tell me," James laughs, as he throws him the small box. Remus can feel his heart beating out of his chest, because although he really enjoys what is happening between him and Sirius, he knows people will judge them for it. Even their friends. Because two best friends, just casually sleeping together? Even he would judge people for it, or think there would be more to it.

"Are you two hooking up?" Peter asks, and Sirius gets out of bed and flips him off. "What else do you need those for?"

"They probably fell out of my bag yesterday." He shrugs, as he sits down on his own bed. Remus tries hard to think of something to say, because he can feel James' eyes on him, but there are just no words coming to him.

"They weren't there last night."

"You're a fucking idiot, Peter."

"Look, if you two are getting it on, that's fine. If you're not, that's fine too. I don't even care," James says. "Just make sure you keep the curtain closed, because I do not want to walk in on it."

"Fuck off," Sirius says, before lying down and closing his eyes. Remus quietly gets out of bed, grabs his things, and goes to the shower. As much as he had enjoyed last night, this morning has taken away the fun of it. He feels caught, judged. He feels like things are changing, and it makes him feel sick to his stomach.

* * *

"I just don't want to lose…" Remus can hear Sirius say, as he walks into the room. Sirius is sitting on the edge of James' bed, James listening to him with a serious look on his face. But when he notices Remus, he holds up his hand to stop Sirius from saying more.

"Is something wrong?" Remus asks.

"No, we were just discussing… a homework thing," James says, but Remus can see that he is lying. He raises an eyebrow, but Sirius just shrugs.

"Anything I can help with?"

"No, I think we're good. Right?" James asks, and Sirius gives a little nod, before getting up and leaving the room.

"Is he okay?" Remus asks, and James nods, but sighs. Remus can't help but be worried about his best friend, and all he wants to do is go after him. So he does, and he quickly catches up with him, but doesn't say a word. Not until they are by the lake, where the sun is already shining, and the warmth is burning on their skin.

"We'll always be friends, won't we?" Sirius asks, after they have sat down, and Remus can't help but smile.

"Of course."

"Do you promise?"

"I swear," Remus says, holding up his hand. "Now, what is wrong?"

"Let's go for a swim," Sirius suggests, ignoring Remus' question.

"What? Right now?" I don't think… We'll have to go back soon, or we'll be late for class."

"So?"

"Sure," Remus laughs, and Sirius gets up onto his feet, and sticks out his hand, to pull Remus up onto his feet. They both get out of their clothes, and quickly get into the water, which is something they have done many times before. But somehow it feels different today. They are different now.

Sirius swims up to Remus, and puts an arm around him, pulling him close, their bodies being pressed together. Remus laughs, but he quickly looks around, to see if there are people around.

"People will see us," he whispers, but Sirius just shrugs.

"There's no one here. They're all getting ready for class," he says, his hands moving down, now firmly placed on Remus' ass.

"I just don't want people to see us," Remus whispers again, and he carefully pushes Sirius away.

"Are you ashamed of what we're doing? Is that why you kept quiet when James and Peter asked us about it?"

"Well, you lied to them about it…"

"Because I could see how uncomfortable you were," Sirius says, and Remus can see the look on his face changing. "Is that it? I thought it was nerves, because this is new to you, but that isn't it, is it? It's shame."

"Sirius, I…"

"Because I'm a man, or because I am me? Are you ashamed to be seen with me?"

"I'm not…"

"No, you tell me," Sirius spits out. "I think I deserve the truth."

"Fine!" Remus snaps. "You may be alright with people watching you while you fuck around, but I'm not. Yes, this is new to me, and I would like to keep it to myself. But yes, it's also because you're the one I'm doing it with!"

"Right…"

"No, I didn't mean…," Remus tries, but Sirius is already getting out of the water. "Sirius, please, I…"

"Don't," Sirius says, and Remus can hear that he is close to tears. So he keeps quiet, as he also gets out of the water, and they get dressed.

"Sirius, I…"

"Just don't," Sirius says, before turning around and leaving. Remus sits down, burying his face in his hands, because he hadn't meant what he had said. Well, he had, but not in the way Sirius had understood it. And now he has hurt the one person who has always been there for him. He has hurt his best friend, and it makes him feel awful.


	4. Chapter 4

**No kissing**

* * *

Remus is in bed that night, trying to sleep, but he can't. Sirius hadn't shown up for any of the classes they have together, nor had he been there for dinner. He still hasn't shown up at the bedroom, so he is probably with someone, and Remus can feel the tears stinging in his eyes. Because he did this, he has hurt him. He has pushed him away. But then the curtain opens, and Sirius climbs into bed with him.

"I'll stay away from you from now on," he whispers. "We said we'd stop when we stopped enjoying it, and you are clearly not enjoying it if it just brings you shame, so…"

"You are not giving me a chance to explain myself!" Remus spits out, the frustration making him more than angry. "Yes, I meant it when I said that it's because I am fucking you, but that's because it's you, Sirius. My best friend. Not you, the person. There is nothing wrong with you. But you are my best friend, and we are doing this with each other. We know what it is, and that it's nothing more than what it is. But I know what people will think, what they will say, and it really scares me. Because I don't want to be seen as…"

"Gay?" Sirius asks, but his voice is soft, it's kind again.

"Maybe, yes. It scares me."

"Why?"

"Because I don't even know what I am, Sirius," Remus confesses. "I have always fancied women. Not once have I thought about men, but… here I am, all my first times being with a man. What if I am gay?"

"Would that be so wrong?" Sirius asks, but Remus just shrugs. "There is nothing wrong with liking men, Remus."

"I know that, but I don't know what I like, or what I am. And I don't want to be seen as… as gay, because of this. I know that it doesn't make sense, because we are doing this, and I like it, I really do, but… I just don't want to be seen as something, when I don't even know what I am," Remus tries to explain.

"So you're not ashamed of what we're doing? You don't regret it?" Sirius asks, and Remus can't help but smile.

"No. We promised to tell each other if we wanted it to stop, didn't we? I don't break my promises. I like this, and I know what it is. This… this makes sense to me. This, I know what it is. It's my feelings, my…"

"You don't know if you want a dick up your arse for the rest of your life," Sirius laughs, a cheeky smile on his face.

"Exactly," Remus laughs, and he playfully punches him in the arm. "It has nothing to do with you, not really. It's me."

"'It's not you, it's me'?"

"Well, in this case it's actually true, so…," Remus laughs, and Sirius can't help but smile. "So we're good?"

"We're good," Sirius says. "But talk to me. I had no idea that this was an issue."

"I know, I'm sorry. I should have told you," Remus says, and Sirius nods, before cuddling up to him, Remus putting his arms around him and pulling him close.

"I love you, Remus."

"I love you too."

* * *

"Fuck, I am so sorry," Sirius laughs, as he lies down on his back. Remus rolls over, to look at him, raising an eyebrow.

"Are you kidding me? That was what, ten seconds?" he laughs, as Sirius looks up at him.

"Sorry."

"For fuck sake," Remus laughs, and he lies down on his back as well, still hard. "I'll just finish myself off then?"

"I can do it."

"You're useless today," Remus laughs, and Sirius can't help but smile. Remus starts working on himself, it actually being the first time that he is doing this to himself with someone being there with him. But it doesn't bother him, not until Sirius rolls onto his side, and looks at him.

"May I watch?" he whispers, sounding strangely shy.

"Sure," Remus says, and his heart skips a beat. He closes his eyes, and pretends Sirius isn't there. But he is, and knowing it, it actually turns him on. And when he comes, he opens his eyes, and looks at Sirius, who is still looking at him, but not down at his body, at his face, a warm, kind look on his face. Sirius reaches up, and brushes the hair out of Remus' face, his hand lingering on the side of his face.

"You are beautiful, Remus," he whispers, but Remus is still trying to catch his breath, and he isn't sure what to say. So he doesn't say anything.

* * *

It's been a few weeks, and since that day, things had heated up. They would have a shower together or have sex a few times a week before, but now they shower together every morning, they spend each night trying out new things, every thing being a new thing to Remus. And this afternoon, with Peter being on a date, and James spending the afternoon with Lily, they are spending the afternoon in bed. Remus is sitting with his back against the headboard, Sirius on the other side of the bed. They are both naked, both hard and slowly, almost teasingly, getting themselves off, watching each other. But then Sirius stops, and he moves towards the middle of the bed.

"Come here," he whispers, so Remus does, and he joins Sirius. They sit down, their legs entwined, their bodies as close to each other as they can be, and Sirius puts his hand on the back of Remus' neck. He puts his other hand on Remus' dick, and Remus automatically goes to work on Sirius, but it is still slow, teasingly. Sirius starts kissing Remus' neck, his chest, his shoulder, his jaw, and Remus can feel a lump in his throat. No one has ever done this to him, kissed his skin. It feels intimate. It feels like a next step. For just a split-second, it scares him. Because it really does feel like a next step. But then Sirius kisses him on the lips, a quick kiss at first, then a longer kiss. Remus returns the kisses, trying to remember how to do this. Kissing those girls was years ago, and it feels like a distant memory. Those kisses had been awkward, quick, hardly worth remembering at all. But this feels different. It feels passionate. It makes him feel something which he has never felt before, and it scares him. But he doesn't have long to think about it, because he comes, as he is still kissing Sirius, their bodies still pressed together.

* * *

"I think we should stop doing this," Remus whispers, when they are in bed that night.

"Oh…"

"You kissed me. You don't kiss people, remember?"

"Right…," Sirius says, and even in the dark, Remus can see his face turning red.

"I just don't want this to be, you know… I don't want things to change."

"I know. I just… It just happened," Sirius says, and Remus nods. "I'm sorry."

"No, I didn't mind it. It's just because of what you have told me. You don't do that."

"Because they are strangers."

"Because it's intimate. You said that," Remus said, and Sirius lets out a sigh.

"You're different. I love you," he eventually says, but this time it scares Remus. "You're my best friend, Remus, and since we have started doing this, I feel closer to you. Yes, I kissed you, and I don't normally kiss people, because it is intimate. But you," he continues, putting a hand on Remus' arm, "I don't mind kissing you. Because I don't mind being intimate with you. I trust you."

"You do?"

"Do you really have to ask me that?" Sirius laughs. "Fuck off."

"I'm sorry, I just thought…"

"What?"

"That maybe things had crossed a line, that's all," Remus admits, and Sirius flashes a small smile.

"They haven't. But I apologise for kissing you, and it will not happen again."

"Right…," Remus says, but he isn't sure if that is what he had wanted to hear. He had actually enjoyed it, even though it had scared him, and made him wonder if things were changing. He had actually really enjoyed kissing Sirius, and he wouldn't mind kissing him again. Over and over again.

* * *

They are all having dinner, when Remus hears some girls saying his name. The group of girls are all huddled together, whispering, but they are looking over to him every few seconds, and he really is sure that he had just heard his name. He stares back, but they quickly look away.

"What's wrong?" Sirius asks, when he noticing the troubled look on his face.

"They're talking about me."

"Who are?" Sirius asks, and Remus looks over to the girls, who are still whispering.

"Do you think they know?"

"Know what?"

"About my condition?" Remus asks, keeping his voice down, but James overhears him.

"Of course not. We haven't told anyone. One of them probably just fancies you, that's all." James shrugs, but Remus can't shake the bad feeling. Especially when he notices another group of people looking over at him and his friends. "I'm going to go to our room," he says, and he wants to get up, but Sirius grabs his arm, and pulls him back down.

"What's your problem?" he asks, looking over at the group of people looking at them.

"Nothing," a girl quickly says, but a boy who looks to be in his mid-teens, sits up, a smirk on his face.

"Why don't you ask your boyfriend?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Sirius asks, looking confused.

"Him," the boy says, pointing at Remus.

"Seriously, what the fuck are you going on about?"

"You two," the boy laughs. "Everyone knows."

"Knows what?"

"That you're hooking up," another boy laughs. "That you're gay."

"First of all, that is bullshit. Second, I'm bi, not gay. Do get your facts straight, please," Sirius says, and he wants to go back to his dinner, but he can actually see Remus shaking.

"Faggots," the first boy spits out, and Remus had kept quiet, but something inside of him snaps. Frustration, fear, anxiety, is has been building up for months, and it is all coming out now. He jumps up, and within a second he is standing next to the boy.

"What did you call me?"

"Nothing, I…"

"What did you call me?" Remus repeats, and Sirius gets up, ready to have his back in case of a fight.

"A faggot. You're a fucking faggot, and so is he," the boy then spits out, as he gets up. He gives Remus a push, who pushes him back. It quickly turns into a fight, with the second boy joining in, Sirius taking him on. But then a loud voice echoes through the Great Hall, and there is a complete silence.

"That's enough!" professor Dumbledore says, before coming over to them. "You," he says, pointing at Remus, and then at Sirius. "and you. With me. Now."

"But they…"

"Now!" professor Dumbledore says, and Remus and Sirius do as they are told, and follow their headmaster out of the Great Hall, into his office, where they sit down.

"Professor, they started it," Sirius tries, but professor Dumbledore stops him.

"I saw what happened."

"No, you don't understand. They called us…"

"I heard," professor Dumbledore interrupts him, the look on his face softening. "And I will deal with them. There was no need for violence," he continues, and Remus opens his mouth to object, but the headmaster stops him. "But I understand."

"You do?" Sirius asks, looking confused.

"It is a very hurtful word. I brought you here, because I want you both to know that if you ever need someone to talk to about this, or…"

"Professor, we…"

"I have heard about your… sleeping arrangements," professor Dumbledore says, and Remus can feel his face getting flushed. Does the headmaster know that they are having sex? How? "Someone has mentioned that you are sharing a bed. I had hoped that people would accept it for what it is, but unfortunately, in this day and age, people still can't…"

"Wait… only James and Peter know that," Sirius interrupts him, an angry look on his face. "One of them told people that I sleep in Remus' bed? Did they mention why I sleep in his bed?"

"I am afraid not."

"When I find out which of them did this, I will kill him. He had no right to tell people where I sleep. They knew that people would make a big deal out of it, that they would think it's something else. He knew what he was doing," Sirius continues, and it hits Remus that one of their friends has betrayed them. He just can't understand why he would do it. What did he have to gain by telling people? Was it just to hurt them? Because Sirius is right, he knew exactly what people would make of it. And this is just people finding out they sleep in the same bed. Imagine if they were to find out what is actually happening between them. What would happen then?

"It was Peter," he says, and Sirius looks at him.

"How do you know?"

"James would never tell anyone. Peter did this," he says, but then he just laughs. "All because we sleep in the same bed?"

"I will kill him," Sirius says, but Remus just laughs and shakes his head.

"I am afraid I can't let you do that," professor Dumbledore says, even though he knows that Sirius would never actually hurt anyone unless he would have to, or unless he would be defending one of his friends. "But I can offer a listening ear."

"Thank you," Remus says, before getting up and leaving the office, with Sirius following him. "There is no way I am talking to him about it."

"Of course not," Sirius says, an angry look on his face. He storms off to the bedroom, where Peter and James have just arrived, with Remus following him. Before he has even said a word, he has slammed Peter into the wall.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"What do you mean? What did I do?"

"You told people that we are sleeping in the same bed?"

"You are."

"So?" Sirius spits out. "How is that anyone's business? And why did you feel the need to tell people? Did you want to get attention, is that it? Did it get a good laugh?"

"I didn't… I was only a joke…"

"We're a joke?"

"I made a joke about you two sharing a bed, and… you know… it was just a joke," Peter tries, but they are all glaring at him, James shaking his head.

"You thought you would just, for fun, spread a rumour about us?" Remus asks. "Because let me tell you, I am not laughing. People are saying things about us, using words that are actually hurtful, even if they're not true. They hurt."

"I never said you're gay."

"You just said we're sleeping together," Sirius says, and Peter looks down at his feet. "No, I get it. It's fucking hilarious. You're now what, the class clown? Hilarious, Peter, two men sharing a bed together, maybe even having sex. Biggest fucking joke ever."

"When you say it like that…"

"Because it isn't a fucking joke!" Sirius spits out. "I don't even care if people talk about me, say I fuck around. I don't care. But you are supposed to be our friend, and you actually went out, and said this, just to get a laugh, knowing what would happen. You knew that people would laugh, sure, but you also knew that people would want to hurt us because of it. Because of something that you made up, for a laugh. What if some homophobic bastards had beat us up over it, huh? Because of your joke."

"I didn't mean…"

"You fucked up," James interrupts him, and Peter nods, still looking down at his feet. "You had no right, telling people that they share a bed."

"But they just sleep, right? It's nothing more, so what's the big deal?" Peter asks, now looking up.

"The big deal is that you used us, to get attention. You made a joke out of us, and you put us at risk," Remus says.

"I'm sorry." Peter shrugs, but they can all see that he doesn't mean it. He doesn't seem to care.

"I am done with you, Peter. There is something very sick and twisted about you, and I don't want a friend like you," Sirius says, and he leaves the room, without saying another word. Peter just gets into bed, drawing the curtains closed behind him.

"Are you okay?" James asks, and Remus nods, but he is close to tears. James gives him a big hug, and sighs. "He had no right, telling people. He knew what people would make of it."

"Exactly," Remus says, as he sits down on his bed. He wishes he could tell James everything, but he can't. He knows he can trust him, that is not the issue. But he just doesn't know the right words to use. Because he isn't sure how he feels about anything anymore. Everything has changed. It changed the moment he had stepped into that shower with Sirius. Change is what he fears. And yet, he doesn't want things to go back to how they used to be. Somehow, this change feels right. It makes sense. It seems to be the only thing that makes sense to him right now.


	5. Chapter 5

**"I've known for years."**

* * *

It's long after midnight, but Sirius isn't back yet, so Remus leaves the bedroom, and goes out to go look for him. Something inside of him tells him that he isn't with anyone right now, that he is at the lake. So he goes over there, and indeed finds him there, looking up at the sky.

"Are you okay?" he asks, as he sits down beside him.

"I'm angry. I don't care that they talk about me. I'm angry that he started this, when he knew what he was doing."

"I know."

"You don't seem angry."

"I am, but think about it, it's ridiculous. After everything that actually has happened, we are getting shit for sleeping? It's actually kind of funny," Remus says, and Sirius can't help but smile. "I'm also just too tired to care anymore. We'll be gone from here in a few months, weeks even, so…"

"But you were afraid of people thinking you're gay…"

"It isn't the worst thing in the world."

"No?"

"God no, imagine them thinking I'm…," he says, pretending to throw up. "Bi, like some people."

"Fuck off," Sirius laughs, and he playfully pushes him away. "But you're really okay?"

"Yes. It's fine. I'm feeling more comfortable with… this, so…"

"Really?"

"Yes," Remus says, feeling shy, but comfortable telling Sirius. "I have actually realised that… well… maybe I do actually…"

"Want a dick up your arse for the rest of your life?" Sirius laughs, and Remus buries his face in his hands, unable to face him now.

"Yes," he mumbles, and Sirius puts an arm around him.

"Remus, are you telling me that you are actually, dare I say it?" Sirius laughs, and Remus looks up at him, his face flushed. "Are you gay?"

"Please fuck off," Remus laughs, but Sirius just leans his head onto his shoulder, cuddling up to him.

"I already knew that," he says, but Remus doesn't understand, so he keeps quiet. "I've known for years."

"I didn't even know. I fancied women."

"I know, but it's different. You fancy them like you fancy a car. You think they are beautiful. You don't actually want to be with them. It's why they dumped you. You are just not interested in them," Sirius explains, and Remus can't help but smile. Because he hadn't even realised this himself until a few days ago, so to hear that his best friend has known for years, it just makes him want to laugh.

"Then why didn't you tell me?"

"What? Go up to you one day and tell you that you are in fact, gay? You would've just laughed at me."

"I didn't laugh when you came out, did I?" Remus says, and Sirius can't help but laugh.

"What? When you walked in on me wanking to a poster of that Quidditch player? What's his name, Georg something? Yeah, good times," he laughs. "Somehow it's still different, me telling you that I am into men, or me telling you that you are into men."

"Fair enough," Remus laughs. "But are you sure you're okay with it?"

"Fuck off, Remus."

* * *

"Remus?" Sirius asks, when they are in bed a few days later. It's late at night, and their friends are fast asleep. They have already gotten out of their clothes, and Remus is getting a condom out of the box, for Sirius.

"Mhm?"

"I was wondering, would you maybe like to try…," Sirius suggests, looking down at the condom in Remus' hand.

"What, you mean… you want me to… But I've never..."

"I only wondered if you wanted to try it out, because you've never done it before. Just to see if you like it."

"Have you done it before?" Remus asks, and Sirius shakes his head. "Wow. We actually found something you haven't done before."

"I'm usually the one who tops, well, I'm always the one who tops," Sirius laughs. "But I don't mind trying it out."

"Right… I'm nervous now."

"Me too. I've seen what you're working with, so…," Sirius laughs, and Remus can feel his face getting flushed. "It was only a suggestion, Remus. If you don't want to try it out, we'll stick to what we know."

"No, I want to. I just… I don't want to fuck it up."

"Then don't fuck it up," Sirius laughs. "I'm sure it'll be fine."

"Right…," Remus laughs, as he starts putting on the condom. He has never actually worn one, so it's all new to him, but he has watched Sirius do this almost every night, so he knows what he is doing.

"You do need to…," Sirius says, nudging his head to the lubricant. He wiggles his fingers, and Remus can't help but laugh. Sirius lies down, facing the other way, and Remus quickly lubes up his fingers. Sirius had done this to him, but to actually do this, to now stick his fingers up his best friend's arse, it makes his heart beat out of his chest. He does it though, and after a few moments of awkwardness, he feels himself calming down. Once he is done, he wipes his fingers down on the sheet, and lubes himself up. He positions himself behind Sirius, and wants to say something, but he isn't sure what to say. So without saying a word, he takes his dick, and pushes it into Sirius, who right away tenses up.

"Please tell me I didn't fuck up," he whispers, and Sirius lets out a chuckle.

"You fucked, but you didn't fuck up," Sirius laughs, as he turns his head, to face Remus. "Just, go slow, please."

"I will," Remus says, and Sirius flashes a small smile, before turning his head back. Remus slowly starts moving in and out, and when he actually hears Sirius letting out a moan, he knows that he is doing something right. He becomes more confident, and after a little while, he can feel himself relax, actually getting into it.

"Fuck," Sirius cries out, and he reaches out behind him, grabbing Remus' hand, and bringing it down to his dick. Remus can't help but smile, because he is doing this. He is making him cry out, moan. He is making him come. And just as he feels he is about to come, Sirius comes, in his hand. He gives one final push, and leans into Sirius' back, has face nuzzled into his neck.

"I want to kiss you," Sirius whispers, after they have cleaned up, and they are on their sides, looking at each other.

"You do?"

"Yes," Sirius whispers, close to tears. Remus can see that he is shivering, maybe from nerves, maybe from something else. He knows what kissing means to his best friend, how intimate it is, and for just a second, he thinks that he should reject him. But he doesn't want to. He wants to kiss him. After what has just happened, it just feels right. So he puts a hand on the back of Sirius' neck, and pulls him into a kiss. It quickly becomes more passionate, and within seconds, they are rolling around, making out, their hands all over each other, ready for another round.

* * *

"Who are you taking to the dance?" James asks Peter, when they are in the bedroom one night. That afternoon, they had all gotten the invite to the dance, which will be given to celebrate the end of the year, to say goodbye to everyone who is graduating. It's only a few weeks until the end of year, and they are all dreading it, because no one wants to say goodbye to their friends. But most people are excited about the dance.

"I'm not sure yet. Maybe Mandy, maybe I'll ask Neeta." Peter shrugs, and he looks over at Remus.

"Who are you taking?"

"No one," Remus answers, feeling uncomfortable. He hasn't come out to James yet, and he doesn't actually see Peter as a friend anymore, not after what had happened. To ask one of the girls to the dance feels wrong, but to ask a guy also feels wrong. Not only because he isn't out yet, and because it would most likely create a fuss, but also because it would feel like he would be betraying Sirius. And those thoughts, they are making him feel more confused than ever. Because why would he be betraying Sirius? They are just friends, who casually have sex. It's nothing more than that, and they both know it.

"What about you?" Peter asks Sirius, but Sirius just flips him off. He doesn't even talk to Peter anymore, even though Peter keeps trying to reach out to him.

"You can go together. As friends, I mean," James suggests.

"Don't," Remus says, and James shoots him a questioning look. "What, with the rumours just having died down…"

"Right."

"I'm not even sure if I'm going. It'll probably be boring anyway, so…"

"It's our final dance. You're going. We are all going," James says. "And that's that."

* * *

"He's nice," Sirius says, when he and Remus are in the library. A guy had come over to talk to them for a little while, and he had obviously clicked with Remus. "You should ask him to the dance."

"I don't want to."

"He would probably say yes."

"I don't want to, Sirius," Remus repeats.

"Do you want me to ask him for you?" Sirius asks, but Remus can feel himself getting frustrated. It has just been a full moon, and he is still recovering. He is tired, and sore, and the end of the year is getting really close, which is making him more anxious than ever.

"I do not want to go to the dance with him," Remus grits through his teeth, trying to keep his voice down.

"I'll just talk to him," Sirius says, and he is about to get up, but Remus pulls him back down, an angry look on his face.

"What is wrong with you? Fuck off, Sirius," he spits out, and he storms out of the library, ignoring the pain in his body.

* * *

"I'm sorry," Sirius says, when he find Remus sitting by the lake, later that day. He sits down beside him, and looks out at the lake.

"Why do you want me to ask him to the dance? If you are trying to get rid of me, just say so. It's fine, but don't…"

"I'm not. Trust me, I'm really not," Sirius says, and he looks down at his hands. "I just… I fucked up, Remus."

"What have you done?"

"I broke our promise," he admits, and he looks up at Remus, with tears in his eyes. "I should have stopped what was happening weeks ago, but…"

"You didn't enjoy it?"

"I did, but… I enjoyed it too much, Remus. I enjoyed it much more than I should. And I hope that you understand what I am trying to say, because…," he continues, trying really hard not to cry.

"No, you're lying."

"I am not. These feelings…"

"Don't," Remus interrupts him. "Just don't."

"Please, I…"

"No," Remus says, and without saying another word, he gets up and leaves. He storms off, right back to their bedroom, where he finds James, on his own.

"What's wrong?" James asks, when he sees the tears in Remus' eyes.

"I can't tell you."

"You can."

"No, it's Sirius, he..," Remus tries, but he just breaks down. This is what he had feared. Things going too far. Things changing. Losing his friend.

"He told you?" James asks.

"You knew?"

"If he just told you what I think he has told you, then yes."

"That he… that we…," Remus tries, and James flashes a smile and nods.

"I know that the two of you are sleeping together. Have known for ages," James admits.

"How?"

"Because I'm a good friend, that's how," James laughs, and Remus stops crying, as he sits down on the edge of his bed. "Something changed between the two of you. You got closer, more comfortable with each other. So I asked Sirius about it, and he told me."

"Right…"

"He also told me that it was nothing more than sex. To you."

"To him as well," Remus says, but James shakes his head, smiling.

"You really didn't know?"

"Know what?"

"He has been in love with you for years. At least since the third year, maybe even before then," James explains, but Remus doesn't understand.

"No, he…"

"Is in love with you, Remus. Has always been in love with you. This thing, it may have just been casual sex to you, trying things out, see what you like, but to him, as much as he tried to tell himself that he could keep it casual, it would never work. It was always going to be too much for him."

"Did he tell you this?"

"He did, some of it," James says. "Remember a few months ago, after the full moon, you were wounded?" he asks, and Remus nods. "When he brought you back, I saw the fear in his eyes, the love. That's when I knew. So I asked him, and he told me. That's when I also asked him if the two of you were more than friends, so he explained it to me. And after that, when he needed a friend to talk to…"

"He started it. If this is true, then why did he first… did that to me?"

"Because he's in love with you. He wants to be with you, and knowing that that is never going to happen… he took what he could get. Casual sex, it was what he could get from you, what he could give to you. The only way he could be with you."

"No," Remus says, still confused. "This is all some joke he has set up…"

"It isn't," James sighs. "Do you want to know how much he cares for you?"

"I…"

"Every full moon, he takes you up to the Shack, right?"

"Mhm."

"He never leaves your side," James tells him. "He stays right outside your room, right there to be by your side if you need him. He stays up all night, to make sure you're okay. He has been doing that right from the beginning."

"Really?" Remus asks, and James nods.

"He would take a bullet for you, Remus. And this… it was always going to end like this, with it becoming too much, and him having to confess his feelings to you."

"Right…"

"And the fact that he cannot be with you, because you are straight, and…"

"I am gay," Remus blurts out, and James raises an eyebrow.

"Does Sirius know this?"

"He does. Didn't he tell you?"

"No. He is convinced that he doesn't have a chance with you. But if you are gay, then… Wow. Was this really just a casual thing to you?"

"I don't know," Remus admits. "I'm not sure about anything anymore. He is my best friend, James."

"Who is in love with you, and you have been sleeping together for the last few months."

"I know, but… that's just sex. That is not the same as…"

"Do you love him?" James asks, interrupting him.

"Of course."

"That's not what I mean. Are you in love with him? Or do you see yourself falling in love with him?"

"I'm not sure. I have never looked at him like that."

"Be honest with him, please. Don't lead him on, just to spare his feelings. If you're not sure, then… just tell him," James says, and Remus nods. "But if you have feelings for him, then tell him that too. Because that guy out there, he wants to be with you, whether you like it or not. If he could get rid of his feelings, he would. Because he knows that those feelings are risking your friendship. And your friendship means more to him than anything. _You_ mean more to him than anything. You know that, right?"

"He means the world to me too," Remus admits, and James can't help but smile.

"I know."


	6. Chapter 6

**The Lake**

"Can we talk?" Remus asks, when Sirius comes in, later that afternoon.

"I'll leave you two to it," James says, and without another word, he leaves the room.

"He told me, about your feelings," Remus admits, and Sirius nods, as he sits down on the end of his own bed. "Everything he told me… is that true?" Remus asks, and Sirius nods again, looking down at his feet. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because what happened between us, I liked it. I wanted it to happen too," Sirius admits, and he looks up. "I don't regret it, but… it hurts."

"Why?"

"Because I know how you feel about me, about what we do. And I know that I said that it means the same to me. I wanted it to mean nothing too, so it's my fault, and I know that, but…"

"You don't know," Remus interrupts him. "What it means to me, or how I feel. Because we don't talk about it. You never asked me."

"Because I'm scared. I don't want to hear you tell me that it means nothing," Sirius confesses, scared to open up to Remus, but knowing that it is what he needs to do to save their friendship. "If I don't hear you say it, then there is this little part inside of me, which can still have hope."

"Sirius…," Remus says, but he can feel a lump in his throat, and he closes his eyes.

"Please don't say it. It hurts," Sirius admits, tears falling from his eyes. Remus goes up to him, kneels down in front of him, and wraps his arms around him, pulling him close. But he doesn't say a word, too scared to hurt him. Scared to break his heart.

* * *

When Sirius comes back from class one day, he finds a rose on his bed. There is no note with it, so he assumes it's a joke, or wrongly delivered, so he puts it down on the desk, and lies down on the bed, where he has been sleeping for the last few days. Ever since he confessed to Remus that he is in love with him.

"Are you just going to ignore that?" Remus asks, when he sees the rose on the desk, as he enters the bedroom.

"It wasn't for me."

"Yes, it was."

"Oh…"

"Sirius, I…," Remus begins, but he can't find the right words. "I love you," he then says, hoping that it's enough. But it isn't. Those words don't explain how he is feeling. What he is thinking.

"Please don't do this," Sirius says, looking insecure, fragile. "I don't need pity."

"You think I pity you?" Remus asks, going over to him, and sitting down beside him, putting a hand on his stomach. "Sirius, I love you, more than you know. And I'll admit that when you told me you had feelings for me, it scared me. But not because of… I was scared of losing you. You mean the world to me, and the thought of risking our friendship, of risking what we have, of not having you in my life… I couldn't bear it. I needed time to think about things, to think things through."

"Please don't," Sirius whispers, and he grabs Remus' hand, which is still on his stomach.

"It was just casual to me, exciting, trying it out, it felt safe, because I was experiencing it with my best friend," Remus explains, "but it became more than that. I wanted it to happen, not just to have sex, or to quickly get off, but to be with you, to share it with you. I wanted these things to happen with you, Sirius, with no one else. I don't want to have sex with the guy from the library, or with any other man, or woman for that matter."

"That's because you've never been with anyone else."

"No, it's because I'm in love with you," Remus laughs, keeping his voice down. "I want to kiss you, and yes, have sex with you. But I also want to just… be with you. You make me happy, Sirius."

"I don't… I'm not sure…"

"I didn't just think of this. I knew I was feeling something a long time ago, but I was just too scared to admit it to myself."

"Really?" Sirius asks, and Remus can't help but laugh.

"Really. I, Remus Lupin, swear that I am in love with you. It's sickening how much, actually," he laughs, and Sirius pulls him down onto the bed, wrapping his arms around him.

"So… does this mean that we're… less casual now?"

"I've just confessed my love for you. It better be less casual," Remus laughs. "If I catch you fucking someone else…"

"I stopped doing that a long time ago."

"You did?" Remus asks.

"After we first had sex, I just… it felt empty with others. It didn't feel right anymore."

"Wow."

"I know."

"Sirius Black, not fucking around," Remus laughs, and Sirius can't help but smile. "Have I made you gone all sweet and sappy?"

"Well, we'll see about that," Sirius laughs, and he rolls down on top of Remus, pinning his hands down on the bed, above his head. "I've still got some tricks left up my sleeve."

"Oh, really?"

"Really."

"Are we interrupting?" Lily laughs, and Sirius quickly rolls off of Remus, falling off the bed. "Is that a yes then?"

"Really? In the middle of the day?" James laughs, as Remus reaches out a hand, to pull Sirius back up onto his feet.

"So… are you two official now?" Lily asks, a big smile on her face.

"We…," Remus begins, but then he stops himself. Are they? And how is she not surprised? Did James tell her everything? Who else has he told?

"Before you knock my teeth out, I didn't tell her anything," James says, holding his hands up. "This is all on you. All you had to do was close the curtain, like I asked you to."

"Oh, please," Lily laughs. "I've been waiting for this to happen for months."

"You have?" Sirius asks, looking confused. "How did you know?"

"Are you being serious? No pun intended," Lily says. "You're pretty much drooling when you look at him, and you," she says, looking at Remus, "go all shy and nervous when he touches you."

"You do?" Sirius asks, looking at Remus, who is now blushing.

"I don't…"

"So when did this happen?" Lily asks, as she sits down at the desk. "Please tell me we didn't interrupt when you were about to have your first kiss," she says, and James bursts out laughing. Lily raises an eyebrow, looking at him, but he just shakes his head, still laughing. "What am I missing?"

"James is a fucking idiot, that's all," Sirius says, glaring at his friend, but Remus can't help but smile.

"Well, that's nothing new." Lily shrugs. "But boys, I am more than happy for you."

"Thank you," Remus says, and he flashes her a grateful smile.

"We also have some news, actually."

"Please tell me you're not pregnant," Sirius says, his eyes widening, and Lily shakes her head, smiling.

"No, but… we are engaged," she says, and she gets the biggest smile on her face.

"Fuck… off…"

"You are?" Remus asks, a look of shock on his face.

"We are," James laughs. "I just proposed to her."

"Wow…"

"For real?" Sirius asks, and Lily can't help but laugh at the confused look on his face.

"Yes. We are getting married!"

"Wow, congratulations…," Remus manages to say, but he is still shocked. They are only eighteen, and although they are technically adults, he doesn't feel like one. Marriage, that feels like a massive step. It makes him feel sick to his stomach, fully making him realise that they really are getting older, taking next steps. That things are now really changing.

* * *

Remus is sitting by the lake, looking up at the sky, tears falling from his eyes. It's only a few days until the dance, until their final classes. Until the end of the year. Until they will have to say goodbye and leave Hogwarts, which has been a home to him for the last years.

"Do you want to be alone?" Sirius asks, and Remus looks up at him. He did, want to be alone, that is, but he doesn't mind if Sirius joins him. So he shakes his head, and Sirius sits down beside him, grabbing his hand, giving it a squeeze.

"You're not losing us," he whispers, and Remus nods, but he can feel another tear rolling down his face, which he doesn't even bother wiping away. "James and Lily… they are always going to be our friends."

"They'll have their own life."

"And we are going to be a part of it," Sirius whispers, bringing his hand up, to brush the hair out of Remus' face. "We're friends, and nothing is going to change that."

"Everything is going to change."

"I know."

"I'm scared," Remus admits, and Sirius nods. "What if…"

"What?"

"What if this doesn't work out? I can't lose you, Sirius."

"I am not going anywhere," Sirius says, flashing a small smile. "You'll have to kill me to get rid of me. I mean, you can get sick of me, dump me, hate me… but I'm still going to be there. Even when you meet someone else, I…"

"What?" Remus asks, looking confused. "Is that what you think? That I am going to meet someone else, and dump you?"

"I…"

"Is it?"

"You can do so much better."

"Are you kidding me?" Remus asks, taking his hand away from Sirius'.

"Out there, there are so many other…"

"I don't want them, Sirius. I don't care how many other men are out there. They can go fuck themselves, for all I care. I want to be with you. Why can't you believe that?" Remus asks, trying to keep his voice down, but failing miserably. "I love _you_, Sirius."

"I just think you deserve better, that is all…"

"Better than you? Better than my best friend, who means the world to me?" Remus spits out, sounding more hurt than angry. "Better than someone I love, who makes me feel safe, who makes me feel… You… Fuck you, Sirius," he spits out, ending with a loud sob. Sirius wraps his arms around him, and pulls him into a hug, holding him tight. Rain starts falling down on them, but they don't move, not until lightning lights up the sky.

"I'm just scared," Sirius admits. "I've never been in love before, and… I know I've been with many people, but that meant nothing. With you, it means so much. And it scares me."

"It scares me too, but that doesn't mean that… I am not going to run off with someone else. I don't want anyone else. I don't."

"I'm sorry."

"So am I," Remus says, and he puts his hand on the back of Sirius' neck. He leans in for a kiss, but Sirius leans back, lying down on his back. Remus can't help but smile, as he leans down, kissing him, the rain still falling down upon them. He feels Sirius's hand moving under his shirt, touching his stomach, his cold, wet hand, giving him chills all over. He can feel himself getting hard, and their kisses are becoming rougher, more passionate.

"We really have to stop," Sirius whispers, his face flushed, which Remus can see, even in the dark, with just the moonlight shining down upon them.

"Or we can…," Remus suggests, but then getting nervous.

"What?"

"We don't have to stop," he says, and Sirius can't help but smile.

"I'd love to, but I didn't bring anything."

"We can do it without, can't we? Have you ever been with anyone without protection?" Remus asks, and Sirius shakes his head.

"Well, we've done things without, but no… no one else."

"And I've only ever been with you, so… we can do it without, right?" Remus asks, sounding nervous.

"That is really going to hurt," Sirius laughs. "I can promise you that."

"I can take it," Remus says, a shy smile on his face.

"Wow…," Sirius laughs, and he reaches up, to brush the wet hair out of Remus' face. "Are you sure?" he asks, and Remus nods, still smiling. "We'll try, but if it doesn't work, we'll stop."

"It will work."

"What have I done to you?" Sirius laughs, but Remus is already unzipping his trousers, and getting out of them. Sirius bites his lip, when he looks at Remus' face, determined, flushed, excited. Remus lies down on his back, exposed, lightning lighting up the sky again. Sirius spits on his fingers, the only alternative he has right now, and makes Remus pull his knees up. As he pushes his fingers in, Remus closes his eyes.

"Sirius?" Remus asks, after a little while, and he opens his eyes.

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"I love you too." Sirius smiles, and he leans down to kiss him. When he sits back up, he unzips his trousers, and slides them down. He takes a deep breath, before spitting in his hand, and lubing himself up. "Please tell me if I need to stop," he says, and Remus nods, now a nervous look on his face. It takes a little while to find the right position, because really, this is easier in a bed, but once Sirius has made himself comfortable, and Remus seems to be comfortable, he grabs his dick, and slowly pushes it into Remus, who immediately gasps for air.

"Are you okay?" Sirius asks, and Remus looks up, nodding. "Are you sure?" Sirius asks again, and when Remus flashes him a shy smile, he knows that he really is okay. He leans down to kiss him, before very slowly starting to move in and out of him. This, even after everything, is new to the both of them, and with the rain still crashing down on them, the cold night air on their naked skin, it makes them both unable to stop smiling. Remus grabs Sirius' hand, and squeezes it tightly. He can't stop looking at his best friend's face, the starry sky behind him, his mouth slightly opened. It makes him want to remember this moment for the rest of his life.

"Fuck," Sirius says, and by his movements, Remus can tell that he is getting close. He is about to pull out, but Remus stops him.

"Don't."

"But… are you sure?" Sirius asks, and Remus nods, a shy smile on his face. Sirius can't help but smile, as he brings their hands up to his mouth, kissing Remus'. Remus watches his face, focussing on the beauty of him, watches his face as he comes. But he can also feel it happening, and his mouth literally falls open. This is a new feeling, and it is odd. Good odd. The best kind of odd, actually.

"Oh my god," he whispers, when Sirius collapses into the mud, beside him, trying to catch his breath. Sirius can't help but laugh at the shocked look on his face. "That was…"

"I know," Sirius laughs, as he looks back up at the sky. Lightning lights up the sky again, and he can't help but smile at the beauty of it all, simply enjoying the moment. But then he notices something in the corner of his eye, and he looks at it. Remus is giving himself a hand, his eyes closed, and he is biting his lip. Sirius smiles to himself, before brushing Remus' hand away, and leaning down, to wrap his mouth around his dick. By now he knows exactly what Remus likes, what makes him get off quickly, what he can do to tease him. And teasing him is exactly what he wants to do to him tonight. Remus is trying really hard to keep quiet, but muffled sounds escape from him, making Sirius smile to himself.

"Come here," Remus whispers, when Sirius reappears next to him, licking his lips. He puts a hand on the back of Sirius' neck, and pulls him in for a kiss. Sirius can't help but let out a small chuckle, before kissing him.

"We should come here more often," he laughs, as Remus lets go of him.

"We should."

* * *

"Right, and where have you two been?" James laughs, when Remus and Sirius come into the bedroom, both laughing. They are soaking wet, covered in mud, and still on a high from what had just happened by the lake.

"We went for a walk," Remus answers, trying to be serious, but Sirius burst into laughter.

"And you fell into the mud?" James laughs.

"Exactly," Sirius laughs.

"You dirty bastards." James shakes his head. Sirius goes up to his bed, and leans down, opening his arms to give him a hug. "Don't you dare!"

"What are you going to do about it?" Sirius laughs, and he lets himself fall down on top of James, now covering him and his bed in mud and dirt as well. Remus joins in, and within seconds, the bed is a mess, and James is just as much of a mess as his friends are.

"You dirty fucking bastards," James repeats, but he can't help but smile. "I'm really going to miss you, guys. Well, it's not like we'll be too far away from each other, but I'm going to miss sharing a room with you. Even though you do shit like this to me. You know I love you two, right?"

"Aww, we love you too, Prongs," Sirius laughs, and he cuddles up to James. "But you're not getting rid of us. We'll be at your wedding, and…"

"Please don't give a speech."

"Oh, we have already written one," Remus laughs, cuddling up to Sirius, the three of them now one big, dirty mess. "You didn't think you could get away with everything you've done, without us mentioning it, right?"

"Lily is going to kill me, isn't she?"

"Probably," Remus laughs.

"But you'll still have us."

"Lucky me," James laughs, trying to make a joke of it. But he means it. He feels lucky to have them as his friends, and he wouldn't have it any other way.


	7. Chapter 7

**"I am not saying goodbye. But goodbye."**

"So I was thinking…"

"Don't," Remus laughs, before Sirius can finish his sentence, and Sirius playfully punches him in the arm. They are cuddled up on Remus' bed, while James and Lily are on James' bed, discussing the dance. Peter nowadays only shows up to their room at night, to sleep, and it is obvious that they won't be friends once they leave Hogwarts. He has messed that up.

"But really, I was thinking."

"Don't do that," Remus interrupts again. "It's never a good thing."

"Fuck off," Sirius laughs.

"Tell me."

"How about we go to the dance?"

"Together?"

"No, with our girlfriends." Sirius shakes his head, rolling his eyes, Remus can't help but laugh. "Yes, together."

"As each other's date?"

"Yes, Remus, as each other's date. Fucking hell," Sirius laughs.

"But we're…"

"Yes?"

"You know…," Remus tries, but he doesn't want to hurt Sirius.

"You're gay," James says, making clear that he and Lily had been listening in on them. "You're two guys, going to the dance together."

"We are?" Sirius asks, looking shocked. "Why didn't you tell me? I had no idea."

"They will give you shit for it," James explains, "That's why he's hesitant."

"I think you should go for it. It's our last dance here at Hogwarts. You will regret it if you don't go, just because of what people might think, or say," Lily says, and Remus looks down at his hands. "Who cares about them anyway? You'll never see them again."

"That's my point. Fuck them," Sirius says, and Remus looks up at him. "I want to take you to the dance, as my date."

"If I get my head kicked in, I will kill you," he says, and Sirius sticks out his hand.

"Fair enough. That's a deal."

"Deal," Remus laughs, and he shakes Sirius' hand. "You do realise that I don't have anything to wear, right?"

"Oh, don't worry about that. I'll be like your fairy godmother, and I'll fix it," Lily says, a big smile on her face.

"Glass slippers and all?" James laughs.

"Yes, James. I was going to make him wear a princess dress, and glass slippers. That was exactly my idea." Lily rolls her eyes, shaking her head, and Remus can't help but laugh. Sirius buries his face into his neck, and pulls him closer.

"Does that make me Prince Charming?" he whispers, and Remus turns his head, to look at him.

"Please fuck off," he whispers, and Sirius gets a cheeky smile on his face, before giving him a kiss.

* * *

"I am not going!"

"Yes, you are!" James shouts, as he stops Remus from leaving the bedroom. Lily had actually managed to find him a suit, but it hardly fits him, and it makes him look really quite shabby. Not shabby chic. Just shabby. "We are all going. Stop being a little bitch."

"I look like I'm wearing a ten-year old's suit. I look ridiculous!"

"I don't care," James says, as he forces him back to the beds. "Sirius is out there, with Lily, and they are waiting for us. This is our last dance here, our last night here, together. The four of us, yes? We will never get a chance to get this night back. So you better suck it up, and get over it. Do you hear me?"

"I just…"

"Get over it!"

"I'm just scared," Remus admits, as he sits down on the end of his bed.

"Because Sirius is your date?" James asks, and Remus nods. "Because people will know that you're gay?"

"Yes," Remus says, looking down at his hands. "I know that it shouldn't matter, because they're not my friends. But I don't want them to judge me. Or Sirius. But he's already out, he has been for years, and he is so comfortable with people knowing it, but…"

"I get it, I do," James says. "I would probably be just as nervous as you are now. But you have got this great guy, waiting for you out there, who just wants to take you to the dance. He wants to spend tonight with you, because tonight is special. Everything is going to change once we leave this place. This is our last night here, Remus… you can't spend it, hiding away, scared."

"I know."

"And if someone picks a fight, I've got your back," James says, and he flashes a small smile. "So does Lily. And trust me, you do not want to piss her off."

"I know, I heard you arguing the other day," Remus laughs.

"Don't even get me started," James laughs, and he sticks out his hand. "So are you coming?"

"Yes," Remus sighs, before grabbing James' hand. They give each other a big hug, before leaving the bedroom, and going downstairs, where they find Lily and Sirius waiting for them.

"You look wonderful," Sirius whispers into Remus' ear, but he can see him shaking. "But we can just go to the lake if you want. We don't have to go to the dance."

"We do," Remus says, and he flashes a small smile. "I'm just nervous."

"I know. We will just be friends tonight. Is that better?"

"No," Remus quickly says. "I can't hide away, being scared," he adds, thinking about what James had said to him. "You're my date tonight."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." Remus flashes a small smile, before grabbing Sirius' hand. He can see the smile on Sirius' face growing, and knows that this is right, even if it still makes him feel nervous.

"Aww, you guys," Lily laughs. "You two are so cute!"

"We are?" Sirius laughs. "I don't think I've been called cute before."

"Well, you are," Lily laughs. "And you look very handsome together. Now, before we go in, and I'll lose you in the crowd, because you're drunk or whatever… there is a photographer in there, and I would really love to have him take a picture of the four of us. I want to remember tonight for the rest of our lives," she says, and they can all see that she is getting emotional. "I can't believe it's our final night here…," she adds, and James wraps an arm around her. "I still remember the first time I stepped through those doors…"

"Please don't, because you will set me off," Remus laughs, as he sees the tears in her eyes.

"I know, we'll leave the crying for tomorrow. Tonight it's dancing, partying, drinking… Tonight we are celebrating."

* * *

"Are you okay?" Sirius asks, after they have been at the dance for quite some time. They have mostly been hanging out with James and Lily, who have just gone off to dance.

"I am," Remus says, but he can still feel the nerves going around in his body. Sirius puts a hand on his lower back, and he knows that people will see. It still makes him feel nervous, but he doesn't mind. Not really. All he can do is smile at it, as he looks out at the dancing crowd.

"Can we go outside, to talk?" Sirius whispers into his ear. Remus nods, and his best friend leads him out, not taking his hand off of his back.

"Is something wrong?" Remus asks, when they get outside, and Sirius takes a deep breath, a troubled, nervous look on his face.

"No, I just… I want to ask you something."

"Right…"

"I hope I'm not scaring you off, but…"

"Spit it out, please," Remus says, now feeling his heart beat fast, nervous that it's something bad.

"We haven't actually made it official yet."

"Right," Remus laughs, feeling relieved.

"So I was wondering, would you like to be my… partner, officially?"

"Of course," Remus laughs. "Is that why you were nervous? Were you scared that I was going to say no?"

"Maybe."

"You are…"

"I bought you something," Sirius interrupts him, still looking nervous. He gets something out of his pocket, and unfolds the dark piece of fabric.

"What is that? Is that… Please tell me it isn't…"

"It is, and it isn't," Sirius laughs. "I am not proposing, don't worry."

"You better not be," Remus laughs. "I am not having a double wedding with those two."

"God no. But these," Sirius says, holding up the two rings. "Are promise rings."

"To mark your territory and make sure everyone knows I'm taken?"

"Exactly," Sirius says, before playfully punching Remus in the arm. "Fuck off."

"They are beautiful, Sirius."

"So…"

"I would love to wear it." Remus smiles, and he sticks out his hand. Sirius slides the ring onto his finger, and Remus can feel his face getting flushed. He slides the other ring onto Sirius' finger, and wraps his arms around his partner, his best friend. "I love you so much," he whispers, holding onto him tightly.

"I love you too, Remus."

* * *

"Oh my god!" Lily says, when she comes up to them, some time later. "Please tell me those are what I think they are."

"They are not," Sirius laughs, looking down at his hand. "We are not engaged."

"Not yet," Remus laughs, and Sirius looks at him, raising an eyebrow.

"You two are just sickeningly sweet, do you know that?" Lily laughs, before walking off to go dance with James again.

"Not yet?" Sirius asks.

"Exactly, not yet," Remus says, looking out at the crowd, trying to keep a straight face.

"So, one day…"

"Maybe," he says, and he can't help but smile at the thought of spending the rest of his life with Sirius. Of spending the rest of his life with his best friend.

"Good to know." Sirius smiles. "So for now, how about a dance?"

"I can't dance."

"Good, because neither can I," Sirius laughs, and he grabs his hand, and drags him right into the crowd, joining the others. He puts his hands on Remus' hips, and Remus glares at him, but it quickly turns into a smile, as he wraps his arms around Sirius' neck. He can notice people staring at them, but he ignores them, and after just a few moments, most of them go back to their own dancing.

"You were right."

"Of course I was." Sirius smirks. "I'm not sure what I was right about, but…"

"About the dance," Remus laughs. "I'm glad I came."

"Me too."

* * *

"So where is he then?" Lily asks, when they are in the bedroom, long after midnight. They are all snacking on whatever they have left in the room, and they are getting out of their fancy clothes, changing into their pyjamas, or in Sirius' case, just his pants.

"Fucked off home, hopefully," Sirius spits out, and James can't help but laugh. Peter hadn't been at the dance, and he isn't in the bedroom now. "Bastard."

"Maybe he's not that bad. I know he made a mistake, but maybe he's a good person, deep down," Lily says, as she sits down on James' bed. "I think we should invite him to the wedding. You've all been friends with him for so long. It's a waste to lose that, right?"

"It really isn't."

"Well, I still think we should reach out to him. I'm sure it can all be fixed."

"I don't think it matters, because it looks like we will not be seeing him again."

"Let's hope so," Sirius says, as he shoves another piece of candy into his mouth.

"I don't want this night to end," Lily admits, after a long silence, and Remus can see the tears in her eyes again. "I don't want to leave."

"Let's go to the lake," Sirius suggests, and they all look at him. "Let's not waste our last night here. Let's make the most of it."

"I have literally just gotten into my pyjamas."

"You boring bastard," Sirius says, and he rolls his eyes. "Then you go to the lake in your pyjamas. I don't care. We're going."

"We are going," Lily confirms, and she grabs her fiancé's hand.

"But…"

"Shut up," she says, and Remus can't help but laugh at them. He puts his shoes on, while Sirius quickly puts on some clothes, and within minutes, they have snuck out of the castle, and they are on their way to the lake.

* * *

"It's so beautiful out here," Lily says, as she looks up at the sky. "Do you think we'll ever come back here?"

"Of course," James says, but Remus has a feeling of dread in his stomach. Something is telling him that his friends will not be coming back to Hogwarts.

* * *

"How about we say goodbye to this place then?" Sirius suggests, when he and Remus are in the showers, only hours later. They will be leaving in only a matter of hours, and they are now getting ready to have their final breakfast at Hogwarts.

"What are you suggesting?" Remus asks, an eyebrow raised.

"Well…," Sirius says, his hand sliding down, to Remus' dick, a mischievous look on his face.

"This is where it all started, isn't it?" Remus asks, and Sirius nods. "Only seems right that this is where it ends then."

"Exactly," Sirius laughs, as the water clatters down around them. Remus roughly kisses him, before Sirius turns him around, pushing him up against the wall. Their voice had always been drowned out by the water, but if he doesn't keep quiet now, surely someone will hear him. He is so focussed on keeping quiet, that he nearly falls over when Sirius pushes his dick into him, not having expected it yet. He can feel the passion, the heat, the need, and it is rough, it is quick. Sirius is kissing his back, mixing it up with small bites, which will surely leave marks. And even when Sirius starts 'giving him a hand', which is what had started all of this, it is messy and quick.

"Fucking hell," Remus laughs, when they are cleaning themselves down. "I am going to miss this place."

"I know," Sirius laughs. "Me too."

* * *

"I can't believe it's over," Remus says, standing in the doorway, looking back into the bedroom. "Seven years…"

"I know," Sirius whispers, and Remus can hear the tears in his voice. Remus looks back at him, and leans his forehead against his.

"I don't want to leave."

"Let's stay. We'll hide," Sirius suggests, and Remus can't help but smile, the lump still in his throat. "We'll chain ourselves to the bed."

"Let's go," Remus eventually says, and he takes a deep breath, before they turn around and leave, emotional students around them everywhere. They say goodbye to some of them, and to their teachers, before leaving the castle, and finding James and Lily there. Lily's eyes are bloodshot, and her face is all blotched. It is obvious that she has been crying, and James has an arm around her, holding her close.

"I'm going to miss this place. It feels like a home," she says, close to tears again, and Remus nods, knowing exactly what she means. The place itself, the people, the memories… This has been their life for so many years. To leave and never come back, it feels like they are leaving behind a part of themselves.

* * *

"So, goodbye then?" James asks, when they are at the station, having just gotten off the train. "I mean, I'll probably be seeing you again in a few days, so…"

"You will. I'll just be staying for a few days," Sirius laughs.

"If they don't kick you out," Remus adds, trying not to smile. Sirius lives with James, but he is now going home with Remus, because Remus wants to tell his parents about their relationship. So he will be staying with him for a few days. It is another thing that will be changing. But this is a change which Remus is excited for. He can't wait.

"If they do, you can move in with us too," James laughs. "We'll all be one big happy family."

"What, when we get our own place?" Lily laughs. "Wait…"

"What?"

"What if… why don't we all get a place together?" Lily suggests, and for a moment, there is a silence. But then they all look at each other. "Just until we all find our way out there."

"But you're about to get married…"

"So?" Lily laughs. "It's not like we'd be sharing a room anymore."

"I mean, I would quite like it, but…," James says, carefully.

"So would I," Sirius laughs. "It's better than being homeless after you move out."

"Fair enough," James laughs. "How about you? Are you in?"

"I am," Remus says, still a little surprised at all of this. But it's a good kind of surprised.

"Good," Lilly laughs. "Then this isn't goodbye at all. And there is no need to cry," she adds, but they can all see her getting emotional again. Because once they leave, their time at Hogwarts is really over. "Oh, for fuck sake," she says, when a tear falls down her face. "Come here," she says, opening up her arms, and pulling the three of them into a big hug. "I love you guys so much."

"Good to know," James laughs.

"Shut up."

"We love you too, Lily," Remus laughs, as she lets go of them. "You're one of us."

"Good. Now, I should go, before I will officially break down," she laughs at herself. "So, I am not saying goodbye. But, goodbye." She gives James a kiss, and the other guys a wave, before grabbing her suitcase and walking off.

"You know you are welcome at our place if things don't go well, right?" James asks, and his friends can't help but smile.

"Thank you," Remus says, before giving James a big hug.

"Thank you, James," Sirius whispers, a lump in his throat. Because James had not only given him a home, this year he had also been there for him when he had needed him. James had been like a brother to him. They share a big hug, before James grabs his suitcase, and leaves.

* * *

"So, this is it then," Remus says, and Sirius nods.

"This is it."

"I'm scared."

"So am I," Sirius admits, but he flashes a small smile. "But I cannot wait."

"Are you still scared, about the future?" Sirius asks, when they are on the train, on their way to where Remus lives.

"I am," Remus admits, keeping his voice down. "This… condition, it's always going to be there. It's always going to scare me, make me feel like a… like a monster."

"You're not."

"And I'm still scared to hurt people. But I'm not scared about…," Remus tries to explain, searching for the right words. "Life, anymore. I was so scared, to leave school, to lose you guys, to be on my own. But I'm not going to lose you guys, and I'm actually excited to see what the future brings."

"I am truly sorry to hear that you still see yourself like that," Sirius says, putting a hand on Remus', "But I am glad to hear that you are feeling better about things."

"It's because of you."

"Fuck off."

"It is. You made me believe that things are going to be okay," Remus confesses, his face getting flushed. "You made me feel safe."

"Remus, I…"

"You made me realise that I _can_ be happy," Remus continues, and he can see the emotion in Sirius' eyes.

"Come here," Sirius says, and he pulls Remus into a tight hug. "I am not going anywhere, do you hear me? That future, that is our future. I love you so much, you…," he takes a deep breath. "You mean the world to me, Moony."

"And you mean the world to me, Padfoot," Remus whispers, a shy smile on his face. Just like that, he realises that although they have left Hogwarts, Hogwarts will always be a part of them. They have learned things, they have made friends, they have found love, they have made memories… Those will always be with them, and no one can take that away from them. It is who they are.

* * *

Hi! I have just started posting the sequel to this story. It is called What It Means To Me . So feel free to check it out! xx


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